a wedding speech and thensome

This may be cheating and if it is, my wonderful brother will let me know, but my guess is that is okay. What follows is the text of the speech my brother gave at my wedding, which, as he points out, did not at all resemble what we had originally planned. It was also, arguably, the best two days of my entire 44 years on this planet. A brief synopsis of the nuptials will help. Two days before our planned civil ceremony, Karla and I met the amazing Reverend Sarah Halverson of the Fairview Community Church, and it was she who married us two days later at a small park near our house.

She even brought a fellow parishioner and guitar player/songwriter, also straight but not narrow, who had offered to play for free at any gay or lesbian wedding.

This was followed by a lively dinner for 25 at an Italian restaurant that night. The next day we had a party at a gorgeous clubhouse, attended by about 60 family and friends. Some came from New York, Milwaukee, and of course, Texas. The Texans included Karla’s parents, who we did not think were going to come. Karla’s sister Sharon had arranged it, and there they were, at the park, waiting to walk Karla down the aisle (so to speak). My father was there, as were my amazing brother, fabulous sister-in-law, and beautiful niece, Zoe, who was our flower girl.


Sam, our delightful fur child, was there too.

The circle was complete, except for the absence of my mother, who died in 2002. She would have been there in person. As I write this, I am certain she is always with me.

Here is the text. It is a testament to my brother and to what this means to an entire family united, finally, by marriage.

I am Jonathan, Laura’s brother, and she asked me to read a few readings, and I have a few words of my own to add.

First, please allow me one or two thoughts about my sister and Karla and what this day and yesterday mean.

Here is the text of the very first email she sent me and a few others about the wedding.

Karla and I are having a civil ceremony on Friday, August 8 at noon at the Laguna Woods, South Orange County Courthouse. On Saturday, August 9 - (and this is the key part) - we will have a little party here at the house, just to celebrate and have some fun.

I said to Gwynne, apparently my sister isn’t making a big deal of out this, and Gwynne and I had a good laugh.

My sister, by the way, I am sure will say this is not a big deal. But this is classic Laura, and it is truly one of the things I love about her. She has a real joy for living. My sister loves life, everything about it, the big things and the little things. Their 2 bedroom house is a perfect example – let’s see how much life we can stuff into this thing. Laura, Karla, and Sharon, three dogs, a cat, outside is the beautiful garden my sister is creating, the garage is stuffed with thousands of dollars worth of exercise equipment, the refrigerator will have some yummy aged cheese or something my sister couldn’t resist, my dad will be over, asleep on the couch, and one of the dogs will be lapping up some food crumbs it found in his beard or something. So now Gwynne, Zoe, and I are also staying there. We asked them several times – are you SURE this is what you want? It is going to be awfully crowded. We can get a hotel. But they really want us there, with the dogs and cats and whatever, it is about being surrounded by LIFE, by friends, by family, comfort be damned. It is not about comfort. It is about my sister waking up in the morning with Karla on one side, Sam on the other, and Zoe jumping on her belly demanding we make chocolate chip pancakes.

So anyway I wrote this the other day, and then last night apparently it was decided from on high that they should get a hotel room for the night of their wedding. Sharon had already obtained a hotel room, so somehow Gwynne, Zoe and I ended up alone in their house, and by alone I mean alone like in a petting zoo. I woke at three in the morning to the experience of Bizou licking the small of my back with his little sandpaper tongue. The fact that the plans changed at the last minute is classic Laura, too. But tonight we’ll all be together, and Laura will get her family surround sound experience.

So that is what this little party is about. It is about bringing everyone together in community and support, but more importantly, it is about celebrating two people whose lives came together a long time ago, who would have done this a long time ago. I know this issue is on everyone’s minds, and the ceremony yesterday really focused on this beautifully, so I’ll keep it short. We live in a world, in a country, that includes all the joys of life, but also includes fear and hatred, and these produce intolerance, bigotry, racism, sexism, discrimination, political systems and leaders with ambitions and goals that are NOT about celebrating life and helping all people celebrate life. So Karla and Laura have had to wait, and now, with the window of opportunity open, rush the celebration in case the window closes.

So putting this little party together and getting everyone here really was a team effort. I know a lot of Laura’s and Karla’s colleagues and friends have made an effort, either to put this together or just to get here, and here is where I was going to thank everyone on behalf of Laura and Karla, but at the last minute Laura changed her mind and wants to do it herself. So I won’t thank Stephanie or Kevin but I will say that it was not Stephanie’s fault Google screwed up the directions to the restaurant yesterday, sending everyone sprawling aimlessly across Irvine looking for it.

But, hey, isn’t this exactly as it should be for a lesbian wedding? Life isn’t easy; some times it is downright hard, so let’s throw up some obstacles and see if people can get to the wedding. That is what this is about in a way, overcoming obstacles, together. Because things are not always easy, my sister’s life has not always been easy, and sometimes doing the hard thing is more important than doing the easy thing. And I know it is important to my sister that all of you are here in force to recognize this attempt by Laura and Karla to grab a little equality, and to make this event meaningful and filled with love and friendship and SUPPORT.

My sister asked me to read this, called A MARRIAGE, by Michael Blumenthal, which I think gets at this.

You are holding up a ceiling
with both arms. It is very heavy,
but you must hold it up, or else
it will fall down on you. Your arms
are tired, terribly tired,
and, as the day goes on, it feels
as if either your arms or the ceiling
will soon collapse.

But then,
unexpectedly,
something wonderful happens:
Someone,
a man or a woman,
walks into the room
and holds their arms up
to the ceiling beside you.

So you finally get
to take down your arms.
You feel the relief of respite,
the blood flowing back
to your fingers and arms.
And when your partner's arms tire,
you hold up your own
to relieve him again.

And it can go on like this
for many years
without the house falling.

And my sister just happens to have found as a partner a world-class athlete, who I have a hunch would lie down on her back and hold the ceiling up with an extended quadricep press, but more importantly she really gets my sister, in fact gets me, gets my father, is humble, is strong, is amazingly honest, beautiful, generous, compassionate, patient, loving, and unflappable. And my family, myself included, have acquired several advanced degrees in flapping, and we seemingly haven’t been able to get to her…ok Karla didn’t want me or anyone to give a speech, much less about her, so I’ll stop there, but my sister did ask me to read another passage, from Beloved by Toni Morrison, which I think describes a little bit how much my sister appreciates Karla:

Paul D sits down in the rocking chair and examines the quilt patched in carnival colors. His hands are limp between his knees. There are too many things to feel about this woman. His head hurts. Suddenly he remembers Sixo trying to describe what he felt about the Thirty-Mile Woman. "She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind."

Ok. Finally, my sister asked me to read one more thing, it is an APACHE marriage blessing. I couldn’t figure out a way to really incorporate it, so I’ll just read it:

APACHE MARRIAGE BLESSING

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be the shelter for each other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be the warmth for the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before. Go now to your dwelling place to enter into the days of your life together. And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together. Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulty and fear assail your relationship - as they threaten all relationships at one time or another - remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part which seems wrong. In this way, you can ride out the storms when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives - remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there. And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.

So, for my part, I’d just like to take this opportunity to say I love you two and congratulations Laura and Karla.